Wednesday, December 15, 2010

[12.15.10] SECOND LOVE: Autumn, Leaves are Drying

After my heartbreak, I wasn’t able to get closer to him anymore and it hurts like hell once again. Another heartbreak.

I tried to be friends with him. I think it will work but one thing changed; him. He changed a lot and hangs out now with some of our classmates especially Arielle. Arielle is one of my classmates that confronted me about him.

I realized, before, we’re the close ones. Now, she’s even hugging him at the back, which I’m wanting too. Almost everything that I wanted to do with him is already gone; gone with the wind. I keep on saying “impossible” now for that in my point of view, nothing will change now. Nothing.

But even though, impossible is such a big word for me to say, I tried to write him a letter. Maybe, it’s my last time for me to say goodbye. I really want to say it personally, but how? A letter will be the only one solution for me to take. It is also a risk that I will face.

I gave it to Rizza after the Christmas Party. To be exact, we are in the mall when she’s reading it. She smiled after reading it aloud in front of me. At least, there’s no any of my classmates around.

Another year came, another usual except for some bothersome projects and requirements. This year started in a good way but as the days pass, I realized one thing that I caused; he became my mortal enemy. They started to say bad things about me. At first, I still can accept it but as days pass by, it hurts also. Of course, I’m still human that can be hurt. When he left me, I cried. When he’s with someone, I cried. When he destroys me little by little, I cried. I truly wish that something would change. A change that can answer some of my questions since 2 years before and this wish came.

Rizza gave me a bunch of letters that she said it’s from him. I read it one by one and never thought that he would write such things. What is he doing when he’s writing this? What does he think when he’s writing? Why? These questions filled the slots of the questions that he answered in his letters. I cried as I read it. Of course, it’s my first time to read such thing from a guy that I love. After I received those, I saw the other side of him. A Marcus that is sensitive, a writer and most of all, a Marcus that missed me a lot. I decided after that I would write him back. But days passed, I came to think that I shouldn’t give all of the letters that I’ve made. I know that I’m selfish but I noticed that he might be lying with those letters. I forgot one thing when I’m reading those; I forgot my mind. My mind will tell me that he might be lying or it would tell something good that it can change some things.

A year passed and I stopped on believing in the things that I shouldn’t; it is love.

I returned as a Senior, the next year. And to my surprise, fate started to play again. He is my seatmate. It was awkward at first but I’ve to be used with that. He’s my seatmate and no matter what, we’ll have to wait for the next quarter for us to change seats. For 2 months, I became open to him and he accepted it just like before. Of course, I’m happy. But for some time that he’s been cruel to me by his words, I became angrier and I almost kicked him away. But of course, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not that cruel. Hahaha!

After a quarter, our lives are different once again but I don’t want to let him see that I’m sad because of him.

Now, I even start to avoid his glares, stares, and any contacts from him because I want to be used that I’m far away from him. I really want to be far away from him because I really fell in love with this guy and I can’t stop myself from it.

I don’t know if fate will really connect the lines that are broken for almost 4 years. Or will destiny let me get hurt because I hurt him so much? Maybe it will be better that I never did fall in love with him because we’re the ones who are very affected and I really don’t want to hurt the person I loved the second time around, Marcus.

The leaves are already drying and no one can stop it because its nature is to change. Even time can’t stop it.

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